Recently my wife and I attended a Buddhist Chinese New Year Ceremony in Eastwood.
We enjoyed the emphasis that was placed on accepting everyone’s beliefs, with no attempt to persuade or convert anyone, and on encouraging people to cooperate and take action to help one another, especially those most in need. For me, this created a most welcome climate change – a change from the all too common climate of judgement and expectations, where people are judged,and valued or devalued, according to their beliefs, their outward appearance, and their perceived status in society.
Of course when we talk about Climate Change these days we usually refer to the changes in weather and our concerns about global warming and the potentially devastating effects that this could have, and indeed is already having, on our planet.
A very interesting comment that was made at this ceremony is that, if we direct our efforts at helping each other and working together regardless of our religious, political and other beliefs, people will be happier, there will be less greed, less poverty, less fighting and wars , and all this will lead to a more harmonious environment and will naturally result in a reduction in environmental pollution and other actions that are harmful to our planet – and therefore to all who live on this planet!
What eminent good sense this makes to me!
Perhaps one day we will drop the slogans and the rhetoric. Perhaps, instead of directing so much of our efforts and resources at trying to get others to adhere to our points of view, we will be willing to say to each other “ we want to live in harmony with you, what can we do?” and then be prepared to really listen…
Perhaps then we will see the changes in the world that we all hope for.
Donald Marmara www.coredevelopment.com.au Ph 02 9413 9794
Please Note that whilst this article was written initially for students and parents, the same principles apply to us all.
If you are a student, please remember that, whilst exam results are very important and getting the results you want will make a difference , your value as a human being is neither increased nor diminished by your performance.
Think of someone you love. Will you love them less if they perform badly, or more if they perform well? People who really care about you will value you just as much if you fail as if you succeed. Of course they want you to succeed, and they may well be disappointed if you don’t – just as you would be – but they care about you and value you just as much either way.
Do you think that’s obvious? Or do you find it hard to believe?
Some students and others feel devastated when they do not achieve their goals. They confuse self-worth with performance , so they feel worthless if they do not perform well. They may even become seriously depressed and in some rare cases suicidal if they do not get the results they’re after.
Even professionals sometimes confuse self-worth with performance. Some people talk of helping others perform better as a means of building their self-esteem. Whilst of course it’s valuable to help someone improve their performance, please do not confuse this with building self-esteem.
A person with healthy self-esteem still feels disappointed when they fail and pleased when they succeed, but these feelings do not take over their lives. They feel pleased or disappointed, but they still value themselves and feel worthy of love and respect regardless of their performance.
If you are a parent and have offered your son or daughter a reward for getting desired results, would you consider rewarding them unconditionally, just because you love them?
Call me rather than emailing if you have any questions or comments, as I prefer to communicate by phone or in person.
Every action is motivated by the desire to move TOWARDS or AWAY FROM something or someone.There is an important difference in the way these two forces work.
Desire for Success
When you move TOWARDS a desired result (creating), the intensity of the drive INCREASES as you approach your goal, rather like a magnet pulling metal towards it.There is no need to push yourself in any way, as your chosen goal acts as its own motivation.
Fear of Failure
When your actions are motivated by the desire to move away from something (problem-solving), the intensity of your drive DECREASES as you move AWAY FROM the undesired object.When you have moved far enough from the undesired object, the drive stops.You have reached your goal.
Why is this distinction important?Because it is far more effective to be motivated by choosing what you want (ie: success) than by choosing what you don’t want (ie: failure).
CONSIDER this:
How often do we motivate ourselves, our colleagues, employees, children, – by focusing on what would happen if we failed?
I invite you to take time to reflect upon this, as the outcomes of these two approaches are qualitatively different.
When fear is your driving force, you have reached your goal and your drive stops when you are no longer afraid.Your drive does not carry you to the goal you desire, but only away from the result that you want to avoid.So if you choose this method of motivating yourself, you can only hope to attain your desired goal by keeping yourself (or colleagues, employees, etc.) under pressure.
You have to keep pushing yourself otherwise your driving force stops and you fall into a state of inertia.
Is this not the way that most people operate in our society?
Advertising campaigns for safe driving, for example, tend to focus on the terrible things that happen to people who drive recklessly.They show pictures of accidents and of guilty drivers losing their licenses and being sent to prison.They attempt to create results by using the motivation of fear.No attempt is made to promote safe driving, but only to discourage reckless driving.It is hardly surprising that they do not appear to be successful.
The Price of Fear
The physiology of fear is such that it makes available a vast amount of energy in a very short space of time.In emergencies, this is essential for our survival.When maintained over a long period of time, however, it breaks down the tissues of our body and causes us serious damage.
When fear is our driving force, we have to work hard and we often pay a high price for it.
Consider this seriously, as it is one of the central issues we deal with in helping people live fuller and richer lives.Once you start to understand the underlying mechanics of motivation, the direction and quality of your life – and business – changes.
As most of us are so deeply conditioned to use fear as our driving force, it can take effort and soul searching to reach the truth as, when our habitual ways of operating are challenged, we move out of our comfort zone and the driving force of fear acts to push us back in.Often, this force acts so quickly and astutely that we are not consciously aware of it, and this is where an experienced person – one who understands this distinction and does not operate by pushing – can be helpful in guiding you through this territory.
REFLECT upon this:
> What drives you?
> Which aspects of your life – and business – are driven by fear and which are by your choice to create the desired result?
> Are you able to tell the difference?
> If you really want the result you’ve chosen, why do you need to push yourself?
I end with a quote from Billy Connolly.
“ Be wary of those who say they have the answers.Seek the company of those who are trying to understand the questions! ”
J: “OK? OK? Is that all you have to say? I thought you’d be a little more excited than that!!”
We all have expectations – some stated, some unstated and taken for granted.
Some of the biggest problems in relationships, causing us stress both at work and in our personal lives, are caused by expectations that are not clearly communicated.
What we can do to avoid these problems, therefore, is to put all our cards on the table, meaning that we state very clearly and explicitly what our expectations are, and we ask others to do the same.
It is also important not to take anything for granted, especially what we think is obvious.
This is because what may seem obvious to one person may not be at all obvious to another.
Let us take the example of a receptionist who came to a job interview with glowing references from her previous employer, who described her as polite, friendly and efficient. What was not mentioned was the fact that in her previous job she was required to spend one or two minutes with each caller, whereas her new job was in a very busy agency where she needed to spend no more than a few seconds on each call. She got the job and, unfortunately, soon found, to everyone’s disappointment, that she was unable to cope with her new environment.
What happened here was that both the employer and the job applicant had expectations which they did not communicate – the employer expected the applicant to know that the job required her to deal speedily with calls, and the applicant expected her new job to be similar to her previous one. Had either party stated clearly what their expectations were, a great deal of frustration, disappointment and stress could have been avoided.
The lesson here is – take nothing for granted, do not assume anything is obvious, state all your expectations clearly and ask others to do the same.
What about expectations between practitioners and clients? For example, some psychotherapy sessions
last a full hour, others last 50 minutes – in fact some psychiatrists talk of their 50-minute hour. If the length of the session is not clearly communicated to the client, confusion, disappointment and resentment can result!
What are your expectations of your clients? Do you communicate these clearly at the outset? What happens, for example, if your client is delayed through no fault of their own – eg a cancelled train or road accident? Do you still give them their full allotted session time, or do you finish at the agreed time anyway?
What are your expectations of your practitioner? What if the practitioner is delayed – again through no fault of their own?
What do you do, as a practitioner, if you are delayed? What are your expectations of yourself and your clients under the circumstances?
It is important to examine our assumptions and have clear agreements about what we expect from our clients/customers, employees/employers, colleagues, partners,friends, family -in fact from all our relationships, so that we know where we stand with each other. Otherwise confusion and bad feelings can result.
Here’s an exercise for you: take a few minutes to write down some things you expect everyone to know – things that you assume are obvious and that you do not need to tell other people. Then ask some of your colleagues, clients,or your family or friends – to do the same. Then compare lists. If you’ve never done this before, I think you will be surprised !
Once you stop taking things for granted and get into the habit of communicating clearly even what you think is obvious, your relationships will improve, your stress levels will drop, and as you will be spending less time resolving conflicts, you will have more time and energy for work and play. You will perform better and have more fun!
Expectations are also constantly being communicated through bodylanguage and tone of voice, and most of us are not conscious of the interaction that is taking place on this level. This is where the European and American schools of somatic psychotherapy, which focus deeply on these aspects of our behaviour and communication, can be especially helpful. Our facial expression, bodily movements and tone of voice constitute 60% to 90% of the messages we communicate – is it not exciting to know that we can become more aware of these aspects of our relationships?
Even the way we breathe communicates our feelings and expectations.
Try this exercise see note below): Breathe in and hold your breath for a few seconds. Notice what happens to your facial expression, and to your chest and shoulders as you do this. Notice also how you feel, physically and emotionally.
Now breathe out and hold your breath for a few seconds – notice what happens then to your feelings, your facial expression, your chest and shoulders.
Breathe a little faster, breathe a bit slower, breathe a little more deeply or shallowly – and notice how even these small variations convey messages and expectations and therefore influence your relationships and the outcomes of your personal, professional and social interactions.
Do this exercise with a partner – give each other feedback as to how you respond to your own and your partner’s changes in breathing and bodily expression.
(Please note: do not attempt this exercise if you suffer from any medical or psychological condition that can be adversely affected by slight variations in your breathing – if in any doubt at all consult a suitably qualified medical practitioner)
The language of the body forms at least 60% of our communication, yet how much time is devoted to this in our educational system, both in schools and professional training courses? Does it not come as a bit of a surprise that so little conscious attention is devoted to understanding what really goes on between us?
It is important to understand that rigid interpretations claiming to give one insights into bodylanguage can be superficial and may be misleading. Understanding bodylanguage is an in-depth process that requires time and experience. The predominant cultural tendency to apply standardised formulae and take short-cuts often misses the point and the richness of life’s experiences, focussing so much on the end result that the richness of the journey and the learning opportunities it provides are lost.
It is also important to note that everything exists in relationship, and that just as the context can determine the meaning of a word or phrase, the context also determines the meaning of bodily expression.
Some people interpret certain gestures in fixed ways, with no reference to the context at all. Folded arms, for example, are often interpreted as meaning that the person is closed off or defensive, whereas in fact this is only one of many possible messages that may be communicated by this. Sometimes the opposite may be true -by folding their arms a person may feel safe enough to open on a deeper and more meaningful level – which would be sadly missed by this misinterpretation.
No wonder so many people in our culture have a deep longing to be seen and understood!
What do you expect from yourself?When we expect too much of ourselves, we set ourselves up for failure and disappointment. By setting our expectations too low, however, we fail to challenge ourselves and do not reach our true potential. So taking time to reflect upon what it is that we expect of ourselves in all areas of our lives, is time well spent.
My understanding is that we perform best and are happiest when we set our sights high, creating a vision of the life we choose to have without considering whether or not this is realistic or possible, and whilst holding this vision we take one step at a time, not really knowing what to expect. It seems contradictory – and it is a paradox – to aim for the stars whilst letting go of expectations, but in my experience this creates the ideal conditions for a successful and fulfilling life.
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Donald Marmara,CMACA, AARBPA, MGBI(Lond), M.F.Phys(Lond), is a clinical member and registered supervisor of the Australian Counselling Association, a Full Professional Member of the Gerda Boyesen International Institute for Biodynamic Psychology and Psychotherapy in London, an Associate Member of the Australian Radix Body-Centred Psychotherapy Association, and a qualified massage therapist.
He currently resides in Sydney where he sees clients for therapy, practitioner supervision and management and leadership coaching.
One thing that parents and most people who work with children have in common is that you put your children first. Whilst this, of course, is natural and praiseworthy, it is also important to remember that the better shape you’re in, the more effective you are in helping your children.
This can be one of the most difficult things to do. Remember the aircraft cabin crew’s instructions before take-off, when they demonstrate the safety equipment? That if the air pressure drops you put on YOUR oxygen mask first, then help your children put on theirs? Whilst this goes against your instincts, you cannot be of much help to your children if you stop breathing!!
OK, so now that you realise how important it is to keep yourself in the best possible shape to help your children, here are some practical suggestions that I hope you will find helpful:
Firstly, remember that prevention is better than cure. It is also usually easier and cheaper! Whilst this is obvious, we all need to be reminded of the obvious at times – I know I do.
Here are some suggestions to help you :
Have regular medical and dental check-ups.
Regular exercise and a balanced diet are important in maintaining good health. Whilst this is easier said than done especially if you have young children, eat slowly.
Listen to your body. It pays to take just a few minutes each day to sit or lie quietly and simply feel what’s happening in your body. Observe how you’re breathing, notice any particular tensions. Doing this on a regular basis increases your chances of detecting signs of stress at an early stage, so you can take corrective action before they cause serious damage.
Find out what works for you, as what stresses one person may be relaxing for someone else.
At the beginning of your day, take a minute to ask yourself:
“What is one thing I can do today– or decide not to do today – to make my day easier and less stressful?” Choose something simple, that you can be confident of doing.
Even the longest journey begins with a single step!
6.Ask for help when you need it – it is a sign of strength not weakness to ask for help.
I hope you find these suggestions useful.
Remember that your children want you to be well and happy just as much as you want them to be. The better shape you’re in, the better it is for your children.
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If you want less stress and more energy, Call 02 9413 9794 or 0412 178 234
see note below): Breathe in and hold your breath for a few seconds. Notice what happens to your facial expression, and to your chest and shoulders as you do this. Notice also how you feel, physically and emotionally.