One thing that parents and most people who work with children have in common is that you put your children first. Whilst this, of course, is natural and praiseworthy, it is also important to remember that the better shape you’re in, the more effective you are in helping your children.

This can be one of the most difficult things to do. Remember the aircraft cabin crew’s instructions before take-off, when they demonstrate the safety equipment? That if the air pressure drops you put on YOUR oxygen mask first, then help your children put on theirs? Whilst this goes against your instincts, you cannot be of much help to your children if you stop breathing!!

OK, so now that you realise how important it is to keep yourself in the best possible shape to help your children, here are some practical suggestions that I hope you will find helpful:

Firstly, remember that prevention is better than cure. It is also usually easier and cheaper! Whilst this is obvious, we all need to be reminded of the obvious at times – I know I do.

Here are some suggestions to help you :

1. Have regular medical and dental check-ups.
2. Regular exercise and a balanced diet are important in maintaining good health. Whilst this is easier said than done especially if you have young children, eat slowly.
3. Listen to your body. It pays to take just a few minutes each day to sit or lie quietly and simply feel what’s happening in your body. Observe how you’re breathing, notice any particular tensions. Doing this on a regular basis increases your chances of detecting signs of stress at an early stage, so you can take corrective action before they cause serious damage.
4. Find out what works for you, as what stresses one person may be relaxing for someone else.
5. At the beginning of your day, take a minute to ask yourself:

“What is one thing I can do today– or decide not to do today - to make my day easier and less stressful?” Choose something simple, that you can be confident of doing.

Even the longest journey begins with a single step!

6.Ask for help when you need it – it is a sign of strength not weakness to ask for help.

I hope you find these suggestions useful.

Remember that your children want you to be well and happy just as much as you want them to be. The better shape you’re in, the better it is for your children.

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If you want less stress and more energy, call 02 9413 9794 or 0412 178 234

Parents who come to see me with concerns about their children sometimes feel guilty, confused or inadequate. These feelings can sometimes be reinforced by conflicting expert opinions and advice.

Don’t worry! My aim is to help you feel better about yourself and your children, and to reassure you that nobody’s perfect and that you don’t need to be perfect to be a good parent.

Here’s why reducing your stress levels is important to help your children do better at school:

• Stress can affect your health and wellbeing, drain your energy, and interfere with your ability to make clear and effective decisions.
• It is harder for you to do the best for your children when you’re stressed.
• Your children want you to be happy and successful just as much as you want them to be. When you’re stressed your children feel stressed, and they may also feel guilty that they are causing you stress.
• This sets up a vicious circle which is hard to break out of. You worry about your children, you may even feel guilty about the effect this has on them.This causes them to worry and perhaps also feel guilty that they are causing you stress, and so it goes on!!
• Stress has an adverse affect on children and interferes with their ability to do well at school.

So what can you do to reduce your stress levels and those of your children, so that you can all be healthier, happier and more successful?

Here are some practical suggestions for dealing with stress:

• Develop Body Awareness. Take a few minutes every day to listen to your body. This will help you detect signs of stress early, before they cause you more serious damage.
• Complete any unfinished business and unresolved conflicts that are taking up your energy. You may need skilled help to do this.
  
• Deal with the smaller issues first. This will build your confidence and you will be in a better position to deal with the bigger issues.
• Live your life in alignment with your values and beliefs - ie be true to yourself. Failure to do this causes conflict and stress.
• Regular exercise, a balanced diet, massage and meditation are all ways of preventing and releasing stress.
• Find what works for you, as we’re all different and what stresses one person may relax and benefit someone else.

You want the best for your children, and it is not always easy to know what you need to do especially when your feelings are involved.

Now I can help you deal with these feelings so that you can make clear decisions.

If you want to feel healthier, have more energy, be better able to help your children and have more fun with them, call me for a confidential and no obligation discussion.

Ph: 02 9413 9794 or 0412 178 234

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I have developed core development as a result of 30 years international experience of working with adults and children in various settings, as well as having overcome serious obstacles myself including turning my life around after 10 years of chronic anxiety and depression.

I bring all my experience and insights to our work together so we’re successful. These include my work in counselling and somatic psychotherapy, youth mentoring, child care, structural consulting and physical therapy.

My approach is supportive, validating and encouraging. I look first for what you’re doing right, then I help you identify and develop your strengths and talents, some of which are often hidden. You can use these to deal with your challenges constructively so you get positive and permanent results.

(please note that core development is a learning experience and is not intended to replace clinical or medical attention where this is required).

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If you want less stress and more energy, call 02 9413 9794 or 0412 178 234.

Donald Marmara

MGBI(UK), MFPhys(UK), AARBPA, CMACA

J: “I’ve given up all expectations”

M: “OK”

J: “OK? OK? Is that all you have to say? I thought you’d be a little more excited than that!!”

We all have expectations – some stated, some unstated and taken for granted.

Some of the biggest problems in relationships, causing us stress both at work and in our personal lives, are caused by expectations that are not clearly communicated.

What we can do to avoid these problems, therefore, is to put all our cards on the table, meaning that we state very clearly and explicitly what our expectations are, and we ask others to do the same.

It is also important not to take anything for granted, especially what we think is obvious.

This is because what may seem obvious to one person may not be at all obvious to another.

Let us take the example of a receptionist who came to a job interview with glowing references from her previous employer, who described her as polite, friendly and efficient. What was not mentioned was the fact that in her previous job she was required to spend one or two minutes with each caller, whereas her new job was in a very busy agency where she needed to spend no more than a few seconds on each call. She got the job and, unfortunately, soon found, to everyone’s disappointment, that she was unable to cope with her new environment.

What happened here was that both the employer and the job applicant had expectations which they did not communicate – the employer expected the applicant to know that the job required her to deal speedily with calls, and the applicant expected her new job to be similar to her previous one. Had either party stated clearly what their expectations were, a great deal of frustration, disappointment and stress could have been avoided.

The lesson here is – take nothing for granted, do not assume anything is obvious, state all your expectations clearly and ask others to do the same.

What about expectations between practitioners and clients? For example, some psychotherapy sessions

last a full hour, others last 50 minutes – in fact some psychiatrists talk of their 50-minute hour. If the length of the session is not clearly communicated to the client, confusion, disappointment and resentment can result!

What are your expectations of your clients? Do you communicate these clearly at the outset? What happens, for example, if your client is delayed through no fault of their own – eg a cancelled train or road accident? Do you still give them their full allotted session time, or do you finish at the agreed time anyway?

What are your expectations of your practitioner? What if the practitioner is delayed – again through no fault of their own?

What do you do, as a practitioner, if you are delayed? What are your expectations of yourself and your clients under the circumstances?

It is important to examine our assumptions and have clear agreements about what we expect from our clients/customers, employees/employers, colleagues, partners, friends, family - in fact from all our relationships, so that we know where we stand with each other. Otherwise confusion and bad feelings can result.

Here’s an exercise for you: take a few minutes to write down some things you expect everyone to know – things that you assume are obvious and that you do not need to tell other people. Then ask some of your colleagues, clients, or your family or friends – to do the same. Then compare lists. If you’ve never done this before, I think you will be surprised !

Once you stop taking things for granted and get into the habit of communicating clearly even what you think is obvious, your relationships will improve, your stress levels will drop, and as you will be spending less time resolving conflicts, you will have more time and energy for work and play. You will perform better and have more fun!

Expectations are also constantly being communicated through bodylanguage and tone of voice, and most of us are not conscious of the interaction that is taking place on this level. This is where the European and American schools of somatic psychotherapy, which focus deeply on these aspects of our behaviour and communication, can be especially helpful. Our facial expression, bodily movements and tone of voice constitute 60% to 90% of the messages we communicate – is it not exciting to know that we can become more aware of these aspects of our relationships?

Even the way we breathe communicates our feelings and expectations.

Try this exercise:(see note below): Breathe in and hold your breath for a few seconds. Notice what happens to your facial expression, and to your chest and shoulders as you do this. Notice also how you feel, physically and emotionally.

Now breathe out and hold your breath for a few seconds – notice what happens then to your feelings, your facial expression, your chest and shoulders.

Breathe a little faster, breathe a bit slower, breathe a little more deeply or shallowly – and notice how even these small variations convey messages and expectations and therefore influence your relationships and the outcomes of your personal, professional and social interactions.

Do this exercise with a partner – give each other feedback as to how you respond to your own and your partner’s changes in breathing and bodily expression.

(Please note: do not attempt this exercise if you suffer from any medical or psychological condition that can be adversely affected by slight variations in your breathing – if in any doubt at all consult a suitably qualified medical practitioner)

The language of the body forms at least 60% of our communication, yet how much time is devoted to this in our educational system, both in schools and professional training courses? Does it not come as a bit of a surprise that so little conscious attention is devoted to understanding what really goes on between us?

It is important to understand that rigid interpretations claiming to give one insights into bodylanguage can be superficial and may be misleading. Understanding bodylanguage is an in-depth process that requires time and experience. The predominant cultural tendency to apply standardised formulae and take short-cuts often misses the point and the richness of life’s experiences, focussing so much on the end result that the richness of the journey and the learning opportunities it provides are lost.

It is also important to note that everything exists in relationship, and that just as the context can determine the meaning of a word or phrase, the context also determines the meaning of bodily expression.

Some people interpret certain gestures in fixed ways, with no reference to the context at all. Folded arms, for example, are often interpreted as meaning that the person is closed off or defensive, whereas in fact this is only one of many possible messages that may be communicated by this. Sometimes the opposite may be true - by folding their arms a person may feel safe enough to open on a deeper and more meaningful level – which would be sadly missed by this misinterpretation.

No wonder so many people in our culture have a deep longing to be seen and understood!

What do you expect from yourself? When we expect too much of ourselves, we set ourselves up for failure and disappointment. By setting our expectations too low, however, we fail to challenge ourselves and do not reach our true potential. So taking time to reflect upon what it is that we expect of ourselves in all areas of our lives, is time well spent.

My understanding is that we perform best and are happiest when we set our sights high, creating a vision of the life we choose to have without considering whether or not this is realistic or possible, and whilst holding this vision we take one step at a time, not really knowing what to expect. It seems contradictory – and it is a paradox – to aim for the stars whilst letting go of expectations, but in my experience this creates the ideal conditions for a successful and fulfilling life.

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Donald Marmara,CMACA, AARBPA, MGBI(Lond), M.F.Phys(Lond), is a clinical member and registered supervisor of the Australian Counselling Association, a Full Professional Member of the Gerda Boyesen International Institute for Biodynamic Psychology and Psychotherapy in London, an Associate Member of the Australian Radix Body-Centred Psychotherapy Association, and a qualified massage therapist.

He currently resides in Sydney where he sees clients for therapy, practitioner supervision and management and leadership coaching.

Donald can be contacted on 02 9413 9794.

Email : coredevelopment@optusnet.com.au

Web : www.coredevelopment,com,au

Studies show that relationships affect performance, and that companies whose employees have high morale show TWICE THE RETURN ON CAPITAL than those whose employees dislike where they work. (Carole Kinsy Gorman – This isn’t the Company I joined – NY 1997).

Clearly, then, it is important to create a positive working environment not only because it’s worthwhile in itself, but also because it results in better all-round performance and improved profitability. So how can you do this?

1. Take time to formulate a clear and detailed vision for your company , and involve your staff in this process so that they take ownership of the vision – so it’s their vision as well as yours.
2. In order to do this effectively, it is also important for you to define your personal vision and to encourage your staff to do the same. You don’t necessarily have to make this public, but you do need to have a clarity in yourselves as to what your personal values and life goals are and how they relate to those of the company.
3. Learn and teach your staff how to communicate effectively. This includes ensuring that members understand each other clearly, know how to resolve conflicts and communicate in a way that motivates the listener to respond positively even to constructive criticism.
4. It also involves an awareness of the role of body language and voice tone. Psychological studies show that 60% to 90% of communication is through body language and tone of voice, yet how much do we learn about this in our educational system?
5. Acknowledge that seeking help when appropriate is a sign of strength not of weakness. Be willing to ask for help when you need it, and encourage your staff to do the same. We learn and teach by example so it is up to you as a leader to set an example to your staff.

If you want less stress and more energy, call 02 9413 9794 or 0412 178 234

Donald Marmara

MGBI(UK),MFPhys(UK), AARBPA, CMACA

by Donald Marmara, somatic psychotherapist

Every time a natural impulse is denied - don’t shout, don’t cry, don’t look, don’t get too excited…..,- we cut off our aliveness, our connection with our biological pulsation. We stop feeling “streamings” in our body; these streamings are a basic cellular function that give us feelings of security, belonging and wellbeing. Most of us stopped feeling these streamings at such a young age that we have no memory of what they are like. Then we start to look outside ourselves for sources of happiness and satisfaction because we have learnt that being who we are, which is our only true source of satisfaction, is not OK.

Hence we embark on a lifelong search that leads to more and more frustration because it is misdirected. As one external object, person or situation fails to satisfy our needs, we try something or somebody else. We want more, thinking that if only we had enough we would feel OK. The truth is that we cannot feel OK until we reconnect with our biochemical processes, the ones we cut off from because we were told that they were not OK. No amount of external change or success can make a difference, except to cover up, disguise or deny our inner longing and emptiness. And whilst words can be helpful in enabling us to reconnect with our own true nature, it often requires more than words to provide the safety and means through which we can do this effectively.

The roots of somatic psychotherapy

The founder of somatic psychotherapy, Wilhelm Reich, died in prison in America in 1957 after fleeing from five countries. I quote from “Wilhelm Reich : The Evolution of His Work” , an excellent book by David Boadella : “In Vienna he was recognised by Freud as a brilliant clinician, but was excluded from the psycho-analytic association when his views became too radical…….In Berlin….Hitler put a price on his head”… “…whilst in America he discovered a radiation in the atmosphere. Einstein confirmed two of his findings…” ”

Thirty doctors practiced the new form of treatment that Reich originated, but an American Government Department pronounced it fraudulent, and all the research evidence was seized and destroyed on court order.” Most of Reich’s books were destroyed by court order in America in 1956. It was the concept of what Reich called “orgone energy” - later called bioenergy - that the Pure Food and Drug Administration outlawed. Reich saw this as the essence or energy of life. He also saw the splitting of love and sex as “the source of all evil” and as the source of great error on the part of science. Quoting from “Horizons in Bioenergetics” by Dr Joseph Cassius : “The splitting of love and sex, Reich says, results in a disturbance of vision. A scientist so split sees heartlessly, that is to say, mechanically. He reduces life to its elements and thereby misses the heart of life, which is its pulsation, its vibrance, its form, its beauty, its attractiveness.”

After Reich’s imprisonment in 1956, his students found it necessary to divorce themselves from his outspoken political views in order to continue his therapeutic work on the emotional life of the body, and it was not until twenty years later that Reich’s books became widely available again . A number of schools of therapy developed out of Reich’s work, the main ones that I am familiar with being Bioenergetics by Alexander Lowen and John Pierrakos, both long-term students of Reich, Core Energetics developed later by John Pierrakos who split off from Lowen and founded his own school; Radix education in feeling and purpose developed in California by Charles Kelley, the school of Biodynamic Psychology and Psychotherapy founded in Norway by Gerda Boyesen who later moved to London, and the school of Biosynthesis, meaning the integration of life, founded in London by David Boadella who later moved to Zurich in Switzerland.

There are other schools that developed later, as well as the school of orgonomy which claims to be the only school of therapy that has remained true to Reich. I can find no scientific basis for this claim. “It’s all in the pulsation”. Whilst psychotherapists are often quoted - rightly or wrongly - as stating that “it’s all in the mind”, the study of pulsation is at the heart of somatic psychotherapy.

Reich found that psychological dysfunctions are linked to disturbances in pulsation. He uses the word “armouring” to describe the chronic muscular tensions that hold emotional memories and unfinished business, and block the free flow of life energy through that part of the body.

Charles(Chuck) Kelly, founder of Radix, meaning root, uses the term counter-pulsation to describe what happens when the energy flow is blocked by chronic muscular tensions, which form the basis of our psychological defence mechanisms. When the energy meets a blockage, the energy in that part of the body pulsates in the opposite direction. This is the physical manifestation of conflict , and explains what happens physiologically when we say, for example, -” one part of me wants to move closer to you and another part wants to move away”. This is precisely what is happening in our bodies when we have this experience - one part of us is pulsating in one direction, another part in the opposite direction. Hence the conflict.

How do somatic psychotherapists work?

This differs depending on the school of therapy and the way each individual therapist develops his or her own style. Some therapists use touch, others don’t. In my understanding, it is important for a somatic psychotherapist to know when to use touch and when not to, and to be able to use touch in an appropriate manner which includes the ability to listen with your hands, and to view all bodily signals in context, as you would with words. Few things are more dangerous than the popular “formulae” often used to interpret body language - this is as dangerous and potentially damaging as taking words and phrases out of context.

Everything exists in relationship, and understanding relationships is an essential part of every therapist’s skill. In my opinion it is also essential for a somatic psychotherapist to have undergone a substantial amount of somatic psychotherapy himself or herself. Think of it this way - would you be happy to have a driving instructor who has not himself learnt how to drive a car? Personal experience is at the heart of any serious training course in somatic psychotherapy.

A somatic psychotherapist does not always work directly with the body - some of my sessions are talking sessions, and may appear very similar to other counselling sessions, although I pay particular attention to body language and voice tone even in talking sessions. Some somatic psychotherapists argue that content is not important - I think what is important is to use whatever method or methods benefit the client. Sometimes content is important, sometimes not.

The aim of somatic psychotherapy is to restore people’s natural, healthy pulsation - to enable them to change unwanted and often unconscious patterns and to integrate thinking, feeling and behaviour so that they can live life more fully and authentically.

Suggested reading:

• Wilhelm Reich : The Evolution of His Work, by David Boadella
• Your Body Speaks Its Mind, by Stanley Keleman
• Living Fully - an introduction to Radix - by Narelle McKenzie & Jacqui Showell
• (Read also the page on somatic psychotherapy on this website)