This is what my work in emotional learning – including somatic psychotherapy and counselling – is about. Restoring our capacity to give and receive love.
As a society, and indeed as a human race, we have moved so far away from our true nature, from what we know in our hearts – ie that our true nature is loving, cooperative and compassionate – that we we have come to believe that human nature is destructive, and that we have to teach children – and adults – how to be constructive and loving.
We all need support in getting our needs met. When a child’s behaviour does not meet our expectations, is it helpful to use Behaviour Management Techniques?
Behaviours have a cause and a purpose. When a child behaves in ways that we consider bad or unacceptable, we may resort to behaviour management techniques to change the child’s behaviour.
A girl was sitting on her own in the school playground. I walked up to her and said “Are you OK? You look sad”.
She replied “It’s my birthday tomorrow”.
“Why does that make you sad?” I asked
”I’m getting a bicycle”
“Don’t you want a bicycle?”
“No I don’t want a bicycle. I want my dad to spend the day with me”
Talking to your teenager is one of life’s big challenges, requiring flexibility, creative thought and a willingness to enter into their world.
The aim is to give your teenager food for thought, rather than just dispensing advice, or reading them the riot act.
For communication to be meaningful, it involves genuine listening to what your teen is telling you. There’s a difference between listening to understand what they feel, and giving the appearance of listening when you’ve already made up your mind about what they should be doing.
(Reported in The Sunday Telegraph ,December 07, 2014)
We continue to treat this as if it were an individual problem, as if there’s something wrong with the children and adults who harm themselves, or who are anxious or depressed.
When will we wake up from our illusion of separation, and acknowledge that this is our problem as a society and indeed as a human race?
Whilst this article was written initially for students sitting exams and their parents, the same principles apply to us all.
If you are a student, please remember that, whilst exam results are very important and getting the results you want will make a difference , your value as a human being is neither increased nor diminished by your performance.
You can reduce the stress you have as a parent when your children are having difficulties . This will also make you more effective in helping them.
Parents who come to see me with concerns about their children sometimes feel guilty, confused or inadequate. These feelings can sometimes be reinforced by conflicting expert opinions and advice.
“The snow goose need not bathe to make itself white. Neither need you do anything but be yourself” Lao Tsu
Sometimes adults impose their opinions and desires on children without really listening to them. They usually do this with the best of intentions, in the sincere belief that this is best for their children.
One thing that parents and most people who work with children have in common is that you put your children first. Whilst this, of course, is natural and praiseworthy, it is also important to remember that the better shape you’re in, the more effective you are in helping your children.
This can be one of the most difficult things to do. Remember the aircraft cabin crew’s instructions before take-off, when they demonstrate the safety equipment? That if the air pressure drops you put on YOUR oxygen mask first, then help your children put on theirs? Whilst this goes against your instincts, you cannot be of much help to your children if you stop breathing!!
